The Spring 2009 eMetrics Marketing Optimization Summit Poetry Contest has come to a close and it’s time to announce the winners. There were scads of entries, many of which were grand, some were tooth-grindingly painful and a couple ribald enough to place at the bottom of the sock drawer. Here’s the post that started the whole thing.

There were four ways to win and winners we have!

A) 140 Characters
B) 17 Syllables
C) 50 Words
D) 1 Limerick

There many fine entries and one, clear, outstanding winner. But first, I’d like to thank everybody who submitted an entry and acknowledge a few of the top entries:

In this first category, hopefuls were asked to tweet (140 character limit) about why they wanted to come to eMetrics. There were several categories of Tweeters. Most pleaded poverty – some in rhyme:

@bosilytics: Went to #emetrics in SB once with CAT. It was Phat. Need to go but I’m broke flat. Please RT this #Wa so Jim can pay my ticket back.

@arkley68 @jimsterne FREE Pass Thought lot, how 2 convey need, opportunity to benefit, scope can apply lessons 2, answer: I work at Ford #wa #emetrics

@mariasaltz: Out of work #wa professional, mom of 2 & UBC student looking for free #emetrics pass to propel her career to new heights. Help, @jimsterne!

There were several who tweeted their haiku. We call that mixed media where I come from. Some were worth repeating:

@danauns27: RT @jimsterne Hits? What is a hit? / There is info in your logs / Unlock and be king #emetrics #wa

@gregasman A single page view / the most granular metric /hits are meaningless – #emetrics #wa

Some went for free-form rhyming:

@cager83: Last pray for #emetrics Trying to convert will always hurt but KPI won’t tell you why. Until you test you won’t have a rest #wa Please RT

Most were heartfelt and sincere:

@eprussakov: I spoke at two #emetrics summits on #wa in 2007, and met dozens of interesting people I deal with to this date. I highly recommend #emetrics

@ehuberty: Got my limericks in for #emetrics! If divine intervention were measurable & thereby correlated with my career goals, I’d wish for that. #wa

@weinberg81: I want to go to #emetrics #wa: I’ve been before and it was fun, very informative and good for my career. Why would you want to go?

The haiku offerings ranged from the ridiculous to the sublime. Traditional haiku not only follows a strict 5/7/5 syllable format, it also emphasizes the seasons and a comparison of two things. Those who studied the form and format scored higher. Some just enjoyed poking fun at the form.

Andrew Gerrard gave us all format and no substance, but I was shocked I didn’t find it in Google. It seems the sort of set-piece one would learn in school but we may have to doff our hats to Andrew for this one:

This is my Haiku
With seventeen syllables
and only three lines

Bill Schmarzo poked fun with this offering:

Haiku’s are easy
Anyone can make them up
Web Analytics!

Jennifer Veesenmeyer from offered up a series of impressions from having been at several eMetrics Marketing Optimization Summits:

New ideas spring
Fountains of wisdom run deep
Can’t drink fast enough

In the lobby bar
Passionate, late night debates
Friendships are forged

Connecting great minds
And sharing new ideas
eMetrics Summit

Make great connections
Birds of a feather luncheon
And the lobby bar

eMetrics Summit
No conference is better
I drink the Kool-Aid

Stratigent had another haiku entrant; Heather Wimmer. She went for the direct request:

New to the Summit,
Would love to be part of it!
Will you please pick me?

Raddest state in the nation…
Summit vacation!

Greg Asman took the opportunity to remind people to vote:

The WAA board
is interesting to me
A position sought

John Henson from Lunametrics, pleading poverty, may not have wanted this one published:

Listen. Learn. Heighten Morale.
But my boss is cheap.

Shea Keisling in Client Insight Analytics at The Vanguard Group came up with one of the most uplifting offerings:

eMetrics Summit:
Listen. Discuss. Implement.
Problems resolved. Smile.

Carmen Gerea was also prolific – and in rhyme, something unusual for a haiku:

Your first mission
Is the acquisition,
Then comes the conversion.

If there’s no retention
Make yourself a question,
And ask for a suggestion.

Going to the summit,
Is more than a tool kit.
So I should admit,

I still want to compete.
On my way to be,
A ninja wannabe : )

Chris Campolo decided to play the elegance card:

Measure what matters
Analyze all the data
And then change what counts

Caleb Whitmore from AnalyticsPros when truly traditional:

Autumn eMetrics
World Changes Before Eyes Bright
Squirrel to Ninja

Shawn O’Connor from TimeFire sent a couple and this one had that certain something

how many dashboards
before we forget to ask
where are we going?

This was the most eclectic category and the hardest to judge.

Carmen Gerea was first with a very straight forward request for help:

I’m truly deeply passionate about web and business intelligence! WA is amazing even though it makes my life painful; giving me nightmares about data I can rely on for my analysis and recommendations. Please help me get my sleep back!!! eMetrics would definitively help me be an Analytics Ninja : )

Maria Saltz, who described herself as a WAA member, UBC student, a budding entrepreneur, an avid reader of anything WA-related, and green-with-envy eMetrics Summit follower gave her reasons for wanting to come:

Last year I lost my beloved job in product management. I caught the WA bug after reading the Web Metrics book and decided to realign my career with my new passion. I’d love to attend eMetrics Summit to dive deeper into topics, meet industry legends, and absorb WA goodness.

Brad Warthan provided this prose – poem

Brad attends E-Metrics. Brad finally discerns the erudite science of web-metrics.
Noticing his interest in a session, an employer approaches Brad and says
“I’ve got the perfect job for you.”
“I’ll take it!”, Brad remarks elatedly.
Brad’s three-month job search is finally at an end. He lands his dream job.

Johan De Keulenaer from These Days in Antwerp wrote:

Times are tough, nevertheless analysts always need to look over the horizon. Emetrics SF08 pulled me from my treadmill to touch base & network with fellow craftsmanship. The freebie will permit me of doing more with less. Pull me in again, because Conversations & Conversion Really Matter

The limerick submissions were the most fun.

Dan Auns submitted this gem to kick things off:

Business decisions are perplexing.
My hippo’s ideas are vexing.
So I went to the summit,
Sales took off like a comet!
eMetrics, you have been a blessing.

Molly O’Brien from j2 Global Communications is no limerick slouch:

There once was a girl named Molly
Analysis sure made her Jolly!
She went to eMetrics
Her face went Electric!
Now the things she can do oh gee golly!

Jen Johansen, also from j2 Global Communications writes hopefully:

My specialty is optimization
Change my site with each inhalation
When conversions go up
It fills my money cup
eMetrics will fund my vacation!

Nestor Archival from Stratigent earned extra points for folding in book and seminar titles:

Reading web metrics, an hour a day
Keeps things demystified, but let’s say
You crave pimped reports, and more
Where are such secrets in store?
The eMetrics Summit – by the Bay.

Aside from the tortured rhyme, this offering from Dolores Fallon at Genzyme made me smile:

CEO: We’re not at the top.
SEO: Budgets we did lop.
No money to burn?
Listen to Jim Sterne.
eMetrics is your first stop.

Limericks were not devoid of pleas about poverty either, as this one from Ned Kumar will attest:

There was a man from Memphis, called Ned
Craving for Emetrics he was, in his head
He wanted to attend the Summit
Cause he wanted to be the best, dammit
To delight the customers, ‘nuff said.

As well as this one from Angela Bouma at Intesolv

eMetrics is what my business needs
A one-woman marketing department so please
Consider the begging’s
of a woman in leggings
And send me to the summit of Optimizational keys

I thought Becca Holder-Otte from Banner Health was going the same route, but she surprised me with this:

There once was a girl who could never get budget
Even with all of her web knowledge she couldn’t fudget
Then she discovered the power of data
and the bosses couldn’t wait to get out of beta
eMetrics helped her reach the Summit

Scott McClintock at Fujitsu Computer Systems Corporation remembered the good old days when the eMetrics Marketing Optimization Summit was in Santa Barbara and offer this:

My brain is about to explode
Web Data Analytics was much easier 5 years ago.
I need a drink,
and some time to think.
I’m off to eMetrics to unload.

Of all the offerings, these were the ones that floated my boat. We start at the bottom and work our way up to the Grand Prize. First up is the:

OMG, What were you Thinking?? Prize: eMetrics Schwag
His very own eMetrics Marketing Optimization Summit baseball cap will be hand delivered to Master Mark Gibbs for his super…califragilistic entry. Mark went all out for the Mary Poppins vote with this tweet:

@quistuipater: #emetrics #wa: Super-metrics-optimization-analytics-measurement-Web-online-marketing-summit-conference-insights-association-cool-adocious

Honorable Mention: Data Flow, Visualising Info in Graphic Design
Another tweeter takes the stage – and the prize. Carmen Gerea from Quebec rhymed it home for Honorable Mention:

@cager83: Last pray for #emetrics Trying to convert will always hurt but KPI won’t tell you why. Until you test you won’t have a rest #wa Please RT

Third Prize: WowWee Rovio Mobile Webcam
Yes, the tweeters seem to have carried the day so far and Chris Mendis takes Third Prize with his homage to one of my favorite movies.

@chrismendis: Once, I was just one of the millions of code monkeys, swinging our bone clubs. Then I touched the #wa obelisk. Help me evolve, at #emetrics!

Second Prize: LUXEED Lighted, Programmable Keyboard
Janet Park of Marketing Frontiers nailed it with style, charm, grace and a giant tip o’ the hat to a limerick classic!

There once was a geek from Nantucket,
Who dumped her web leads in one bucket,
eMetrics, you see,
Is just what I need,
So a lead will be ripe when I pluck it!

First Prize: Emotiv EPOC Brain Wave Reader
This brain / computer interface is on the top of my Wow That’s Cool list – except… It’s not out yet!
We expect to be able to deliver the product to you in 2009
once the final beta testing is complete.

So our winner has the choice – wait it out and it will be yours – or – take your pick of either the LUXEED keyboard or the Rovio Mobile Webcam. And who is it that need to make this decision? Erin Huberty, who tweeted sweetly, then came on like gangbusters in the limerick department with this voluminous submission:

There once was a girl ne’er stopped tweeting
She’d retweet everything worth repeating
She must learn to measure
The ROI of this leisure
So send her to the eMetrics meeting!

Now that our hippos have gotten a scare
Of ROI they are much more aware
So we’ll go to the Summit
Or else sales might plummet
Without metrics we haven’t a prayer

I’d be so moved that I’d shed a tear
When so many bright experts draw near
I crave nothing more
Than to see what’s in store
At the eMetrics summit this year.

Of one thing I’m certain
09 budgets are thin
For me to go
To the eMetric show
It will take a miraculous win.

The economy’s got us atwitter
Which gives marketers more to consider
We’ve got to adapt
Or else we’ll be trapped
Now eMetrics! I can’t be a quitter.

Grand Prize: One Free Ticket to the eMetrics Marketing Optimization Summit
The Grand Prize free ticket goes to a man who has mastered the format of the haiku and honored the spirit of the art form. This triptych captures the very spirit of the Japanese verse, with a seasonal reference and an visceral comparison of log file entries to fallen leaves. It is evocative. It is haunting. It reads allowed like music. It is masterful. It is our Grand Prize Winner.

Why I want to go to eMetrics Summit
(A haiku triptych)
by Bruce Poropat

Count red fallen leaves,
Silent, brittle messages,
so we track this life.

What to count, and how,
truth falls the same as fiction,
shifts in the same wind.

The answer sleeps soft
in a forest of numbers,
silent ‘neath red leaves.

Many thanks to all
Bruce’s triptych wins the day

Here’s hoping all of you can come to the eMetrics Marketing Optimization Summit

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