It looks like a standard report from an engaged web site analyst:

Visits were up 4% from the previous week to 255,904 visits, which is significantly better than your 195,729-visit weekly average during the past year. The traffic increase was driven by paid search, which rose 4% to 153,138 visits. Visits improved for ten ad groups last week.

  • Even though your site’s total pageviews were up 5% last week to 1.7 million, it was driven by an increase in visits. Pages per visit remained flat at 6.5, which is equal to your weekly average for the year.
  • Last week, your site had more unique visitors (up 4% to 171,068); that’s more than your site’s weekly average of 132,064.
  • At 5.6 minutes, the average amount of time visitors spent on your site stayed steady last week. Your stickiness has improved compared to a year ago, however, as visitors spent 5.2 minutes on your site during the same time a year ago.

It goes on for several pages like that and is informative, personable and sprinkled with observations. Pretty standard stuff… until you get to the last paragraph:

You’re receiving this automated Google Analytics report from Quill Engage™. If you received it from a friend, sign up here and receive up to 10 profiles for free. If you have feedback, contact us.

That’s right, it was written by a bot.

So what do you do for a living that this thing can’t do? Because it’s time to start doing a whole lot more of that.

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